Beyond the Pink Lines

Before the Losses

1. What was going through your mind when we first found out we were pregnant?

“When you asked me if there was a second line, the first thing that popped into my head was, ‘What time is it, and why are you awake?’ Then it turned into pure joy — ‘Oh my gosh, I’m going to be a dad.’ Then I rolled over and went back to sleep.”

(Referring to March 1st at 3 a.m. with the twins.)

2. How did you picture our future as parents?

“That was March, and we had only known each other for about seven months, but I knew we would be a good team. We were still figuring things out, but we would’ve been a good support system for each other, and we would’ve absolutely rocked it.”

3. What emotions did you experience becoming a dad for the first time, even if it was only for a short time?

“Shock. I always knew I wanted to be a dad, but when it actually happens and there’s a positive test, there’s shock first, then excitement. And if you have a brain like mine, you immediately start planning out that kid’s next 18 years — whether they agree to it or not.”

Experiencing Miscarriage & Ectopic Pregnancy

1. What was your initial reaction when we learned something was wrong?

A.) Landyn and Marli

“Denial. In your heart, you know something is wrong, but I was in denial. I’m a fixer, and I had the mindset that I could fix it. It felt like an out-of-body experience — sitting in that ER room, just going through the motions until reality finally set in.”

B.) Hayden

“‘What the heck?’ We didn’t even really have time to get excited about Hayden. On the way to the hospital, all the ‘maybes’ start going through your head. Maybe it’s implantation bleeding? Logically, you know something is wrong, but you hold onto hope and go back into denial.”

C.) Riley

“It was hard because we had finally gotten to a point where we could get excited. Everything was looking up, and we thought maybe third time’s the charm. You go through the stages of grief, and the fixer in me came out again. I wanted to do something — anything. Logically, I knew it was out of my hands, but your heart still holds onto hope even when you know nothing can be done.”

2. How did miscarriage affect you emotionally?

A.) Landyn and Marli

“It killed me. This was the first time someone looked at me and said, ‘You’re going to be a dad.’ That’s something I had wanted my whole life, even as a kid. I would look at Tim Pipkin and Chris Bekas — father figures in my life — and think, ‘I want to be like them. I want to guide my family like that. I want to be that kind of dad.’ Something about having a little human excited for me to come home… I didn’t have that growing up. Losing the twins was devastating. You have all this excitement, and then suddenly it’s just over.”

B.) Hayden

“You still have hope even when you know what’s probably going to happen. I kept telling myself Hayden was okay and that I was still going to be a dad to Hayden. No matter how short the time was between finding out and going to the hospital, you still cling to hope.”

3. How did the ectopic pregnancy impact you differently than miscarriage?

C.) Riley

“I had to educate myself on the difference. When it was all happening, you nod your head a lot while doctors throw around words and medical terms. I’m a football coach, so honestly, a lot of it went right over my head. Like a stereotypical man, I tried to put on a brave face for you while breaking down in private — usually in the bathroom or the shower. Inside, I was crushed.”

4. Was there a moment during our losses that has stayed with you the most?

“For all three losses — all four children — it was hearing the official words that they were gone. That’s when everything became real. My fixer brain, my hope… all of it stopped in that moment.”

5. Did you feel pressure to stay strong for me while grieving yourself?

“Yes, but the pressure mostly came from myself. Knowing you can’t fix it hurts, but you fall into that stereotypical male role where you think, ‘I have to put on a brave face. No one cares about your emotions. You’ve got to be there for your wife.’ So I bottled everything up until I was alone.”

6. What do you wish more people understood about fathers and pregnancy loss?

“Even though a father’s loss isn’t physical, we still grieve deeply. We are affected just as much as the mother.”

7. Were there emotions you struggled to talk about openly?

“Yes. Crying, especially. I don’t like to cry. It goes back to that stereotypical idea of being a man — I don’t like showing emotion in general, especially in front of my wife, because it makes me feel weak.”

8. How did you cope with the grief privately?

“In a loud world, you try to quiet everything down. Work and life keep pulling you in every direction. Bills don’t care if you’re sad. Sometimes I’d sit in my car, sit alone in a room, or play video games just to escape for a little while. I would have conversations with myself — either out loud or in my head — trying to sort through everything and allow myself to actually feel the emotions.”

9. Did you ever feel helpless during the process?

“Yeah. It goes back to being a fixer. I remember thinking, ‘I want to put my hands inside of you and hold the babies in and protect them,’ and I couldn’t. That helplessness is something I’ll never forget.”

10. How did the losses affect your mental health or outlook on life?

A.) Landyn and Marli

“It crushed me, but there was still hope. I thought, ‘Okay, this one didn’t work out. That happens. The next one will.’”

B.) Hayden

“It became, ‘Ah man… not again.’ You start wondering, ‘Why is this happening? Is something wrong? Why have we lost three children and two pregnancies in such a short amount of time?’ But even then, there was still hope.”

C.) Riley

“You get to a point where you start asking yourself if you’re even meant to be a parent. Is God saying no? What is it about us that we can’t just have one healthy pregnancy? Am I being punished for things in my earlier life? Am I not a good person? What have I done to deserve this? Eventually, you even start wondering if you want to keep trying, because there’s always the chance it could happen again.”

11. What fears developed after experiencing loss?

“The biggest fear was never getting to be a dad in the traditional way. And then there was the fear of experiencing another loss and having to keep surviving something like this over and over again.”

Marriage & Relationship

1. How did our losses affect our marriage?

“They made us stronger with each loss. We learned that we could truly lean on each other. Even while I was still figuring out my own emotions, I realized it would be really hard to break us.”

2. Were there moments where you felt closer to me through the grief?

“When Kendra started advocating that it was okay for me to feel whatever I needed to feel and included me in the grieving process. Hearing ‘we lost the baby’ instead of just focusing on one person mattered. She advocated for fathers too — reminding people that they were my children as well, and that my heart was breaking too.”

3. What was hardest about supporting each other?

“Understanding each other’s emotions — both the subtle and the not-so-subtle ones. Sometimes it felt like I had to read my spouse’s mind, understand body language, and pick up on tone. I learned that when my wife lashed out in pain, it wasn’t personal. It happened because I was her safe space, her constant.”

4. How did we grieve differently?

Kendra

“Kendra grieves out loud. She doesn’t care who sees it, and she shares a lot openly.”

James

“I grieve privately. I need alone time, and I tend to bottle up the things I can’t say out loud.”

5. What do you think helped us continue moving forward together?

“That we went through it together. We were growing together, not apart. It was us versus the situation — never us versus each other.”

Infertility Journey

1. How would you describe the emotional toll infertility has taken on you?

“It feels like it’s never-ending. With every loss, a little piece of you dies, and your hope gets diminished more and more. The older you get, the more you start questioning if this is even in the cards for you. You deal with it the best you can, but it’s a very heavy weight to carry.”

2. What has been the hardest part of infertility as a man and husband?

“As I’ve gotten older, my friends have started having babies on purpose, and you see them becoming great dads. You think, ‘Aw man, I really want that.’ You start wondering if that will ever be you. There’s a lot of smiling through the pain and putting on your ‘uncle face.’”

3. Did infertility ever affect your confidence or identity?

“Yeah, it has to. You start wondering if it’s you. Then your mind circles back to wondering if, even if it does happen, you’re just going to lose the pregnancy again. Your confidence drops. Sometimes I don’t even want to be intimate because that fear creeps in — the fear of losing another baby.”

4. How do you handle seeing pregnancy announcements or other families growing?

“That honestly doesn’t bother me. When my friends and family announce pregnancies, I am genuinely happy for them. I’m proud of that because I’m not jealous. My friends are amazing men and women, and I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone. I’m excited for them, and I know they’re going to raise amazing children.”

5. What emotions come with the uncertainty of not knowing what our future holds?

“I’m not a control freak, but I do prefer when I can control things in some way. At the same time, I’m laid back and try to take life as it comes. There’s a lot of sadness, though. You feel like God put you on this earth to be a dad. I went through so much childhood trauma, and while it shaped me into the man I am today, I always believed those experiences would help me become a better father.

There’s sadness in thinking I may never pass those life lessons and that wisdom down to my own children. Granted, I have nieces, nephews, players, and students that I can impact and help shape, but there’s still sadness in knowing they may never be my own.”

6. Have you ever felt overlooked in this journey?

“Never by my wife. But as a society, I think men are often overlooked in this journey. Fathers’ feelings are rarely taken into consideration. It doesn’t bother me as much because I’ve had my wife in my corner through all of this, but not every man has that kind of support.”

7. What has given you hope during the hardest seasons?

“Faith. I still have faith that it will happen eventually — that one day I’ll be a dad to little ones here on Earth. I hold onto that.”

8. What keeps you going when the journey feels exhausting?

“My wife. My nieces and nephews. My coaching job.”

9. Infertility treatments: What were your feelings about IUI? Would you do it again? What about fertility medications and IVF?

IUI

“I would absolutely do IUI again. I was fascinated by the science and the whole process. I even liked joking about calling our future kids ‘test tube babies.’ Humor is usually how I cope when I’m uncomfortable or nervous. Mostly, though, I felt hopeful because it was something different that might actually work.”

Fertility Medications

“Clomid was a nightmare. I got chewed out at home once for leaving a phone charger at work. The mood swings were rough. I didn’t want to be around my wife, let alone be intimate.

With Letrozole, I don’t remember anything too extreme. It didn’t help us conceive, but the side effects weren’t as intense — mostly crying spells and hot flashes.”

IVF

“If money were no object, I would absolutely be willing to try IVF. I’m open to trying everything if it means helping us become parents. No matter how our children come into this world, they’re still our children. When it comes to becoming a dad to children here on Earth, I would exhaust every option.”

Remembering the Babies

1. What do our babies mean to you?

“They mean everything. They are a piece of me and a piece of my wife. All of my hopes, my future, and my legacy were wrapped up in them. Losing them felt like losing a piece of myself.”

2. How do you keep their memory alive in your heart and in everyday life?

“I try to live a life they would be proud of. I believe they’re looking down and watching, so I try my best to make them proud every day. I talk about them often, and during the hard days, I talk to them too — sometimes internally and sometimes out loud, like they’re still here with me. To some people that may sound crazy, but to me, that’s how I keep their memory alive.”

3. What would you want people to know about them?

“That all four of them matter. Their time here may not have been long, but from the moment they were created until the end, all they knew was love. It doesn’t matter if you’re here for a week, a day, or 72 years — you matter. Their memories matter, and they deserve to be celebrated.”

4. In what ways do you think becoming a parent to children we lost changed you?

“It made me mature quickly. Suddenly, it wasn’t just about me or even just me and my wife anymore — there was more to think about. I realized I was going to have little eyes watching me someday, and I needed to set an example. You start thinking beyond yourself. You don’t go buy the sports car; you buy the practical family car. You think differently.

As a man, you put your family first — or at least you should — and I do. Becoming a parent, even through loss, completely changes your mindset.”

Looking Forward

1. What are your hopes for our future?

“My hope is that we have children one day. But beyond that, I hope we continue to grow together — to become stronger in our marriage and stronger in our faith. I hope we continue to have fun together, keep dating each other, and enjoy the little moments in life. I also hope we keep learning how to roll with the curveballs life throws at us — and not just survive them, but hit them out of the park.”

2. What has this journey taught you about love and resilience?

“When you have the right person by your side, it makes the hard things easier. That’s not to say you won’t have difficult moments or go through stormy seasons, but with the right person, love and resilience happen naturally. You build each other up during the good moments, and together you create a strong foundation and sturdy walls. Then when the hard moments come, it’s easier because you’ve prepared for them together. You’re able to lean on that love, and it holds you up.”

3. What advice would you give another husband walking through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or infertility?

“Take time for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your wife. I know that’s not easy, especially for men, but you’ll feel better, and your wife will feel better seeing your emotions too. You don’t have to be a robot all the time. Don’t be afraid to let your wife hold you up sometimes.”

4. What is something you wish you could tell your younger self before all of this happened?

“Everything you’ve been through and everything you’ve overcome will help guide you through this too. Trust your feet and keep moving forward. Follow your heart. And don’t be afraid to show emotion.”

5. Through everything we’ve faced, what has remained constant for you?

“My wife. She has always been there, even during the hardest moments. No matter what, she stayed. I don’t always show it, but I would not have made it this far without her. She has always been my rock and my constant.”

Personal & Deep Reflection Questions

1. When did the losses feel the most real to you?

“Leaving the hospital every single time. You’re in disbelief that it’s happening, especially after going through it multiple times. But there’s still a small piece of hope that maybe the doctor is wrong and the baby is fine. Then you officially leave the hospital without a baby.

After that, the next few months become painful reminders. You don’t see the belly growing, and then the due date comes around, but there’s no birthday to celebrate.”

2. Was there a specific moment you broke down emotionally?

“With all three losses, I always tried to put on a strong front. But there were moments when I was alone in my car or sitting in the bathroom where I would finally let it all out because, in those moments, I didn’t have to be strong for anyone else.”

3. Did you ever feel guilty for grieving differently than I did?

“Yeah. I have moments where I get really emotional when I think about our children, but I’m not always as outwardly emotional as my wife, especially when it comes to anniversaries and birthdays.

For me, it hits randomly. I can be having a completely good day, and suddenly I’ll think about them and break down. It hits especially hard when I’m around my nieces and nephews.

I do sometimes feel guilty during milestones, at the park, or at our memorial place because I don’t always get emotional in those moments, and I feel like maybe I should.”

4. What does fatherhood mean to you now?

“Fatherhood means leading by example. I know little eyes and ears are always watching and listening — not only our children looking down on us, but also in the way I show up as an uncle and as a strong male role model for the kids already in my life.”

5. How has this journey changed your faith, perspective, or priorities?

“It’s been a roller coaster. With Landyn and Marli, I leaned heavily into my faith. I held onto it tightly and leaned hard into church. I rededicated my life and really focused on walking the walk and talking the talk.

Then Hayden happened, and everything started to crack. I began asking, ‘Why are we going through this? What lesson am I supposed to learn? Did I do something to deserve this?’ But even then, I was still holding on — shaken, but holding on.

Then Riley happened. I allowed myself to fully get excited again. It felt like God had finally come through for us, and then we lost Riley too. After that, everything changed. I lost all faith. My faith at that point was smaller than a mustard seed. I felt angry. It felt like God wasn’t looking out for us anymore.

But over the years, this journey has also made me stronger. It’s given us the ability to tell our story and hopefully help other people feel less alone. Even so, it shook me to my core.”

6. What is one thing you never want our children to be forgotten for?

“It doesn’t matter how long they were here — they existed, and they mattered. From conception until they were called home to Heaven, all they knew was love.

They didn’t have to endure the heartbreak and hard lessons of this world, but they were still individuals, and each of them had value.”

7. If our babies could hear you, what would you want to say to them?

Landyn and Marli

“You’re the ones who made me a dad. You made me realize how deeply I wanted to be a father. I miss you every single day, and I often think about what you would be like today.

I hope I’m making you proud. I love you both so much. Keep looking out for Mom and Dad, and watch over your brother and sister.”

Hayden

“Your time here was short, but we love you so much. I hope you know how deeply I love you, how often I think about you, and how badly I wanted to protect you. I miss you.”

Riley

“Oh, Riles. I carry you with me every single day. I think about you constantly. Sometimes I see glimpses of who I think you would’ve been when I look at my niece.

You were the closest we ever got to becoming parents here on Earth. I love you so much.”

8. What do you think they would have been like — their personalities and looks?

Landyn

“I think Landyn would’ve been a lot like me. I hope he would’ve been taller than me, though. He would’ve been stubborn to his core. I picture him as my little football player — hit first, ask questions later.

I think he would’ve been the protector of all his siblings and the strong one of the family.

As for looks, I hope he would’ve been prettier than me and taken after his mama, but I also have a feeling he would’ve lost his hair early like his dad. I picture him being blonde at birth with hair that darkened as he got older, brown eyes, and long eyelashes like mine. He definitely would’ve been a little heartbreaker.”

Marli

“I think Marli would’ve been a lot like her mama. But her middle name is Danielle after her aunt, so I also think she would’ve had some sass and attitude like her aunt too — probably driving me crazy during her teenage years.

It would’ve been fun and terrifying at the same time.

I picture her looking like her mama: blonde hair, a rounded face, short like the Gilstrap side of the family, and full of personality.”

Hayden

“I think Hayden would’ve been the sensitive one but incredibly sweet. His heart would’ve been on his sleeve. I think he would’ve been the one getting his heart broken instead of breaking hearts, but he still would’ve been my boy.

Probably more of a mama’s boy.

I picture him looking like Uncle Chris — dark hair, tall, athletic, and strong.”

Riley

“Riley would’ve been Daddy’s girl through and through. My little shadow. I think she would’ve been a tomboy with a princess side too — the best of both worlds.”